Jul 032013

BarThree guys visited a Boston area bar after hearing that the bar was dispensing it’s last bottle of a special fifty year old scotch. When the three men arrived, the bartender informed them that he was down to his last bottle, and there was only one shot of whiskey left. The bartender agreed to serve the whiskey to the gentleman who could make the best argument for why he should be the lucky recipient.

The first man was a 75 year old Catholic priest with three months to live. He said that he had taken his vows of celibacy and poverty seriously, and always put others before himself. He pleaded with the bartender to make this shot of whiskey his earthly reward for serving God.

Moved nearly to tears, the bartender asked the second man why he should get the whiskey. This man was a 40 year old Irishman in slovenly condition, who informed the bartender that he used to be a successful businessman until his alcoholism cost him his job, his family, and his home. The man promised to offer rehab that very day, and he vowed to spend his life helping other alcoholics if he could simply have this one last taste.

The bartender was again moved, and knew he was going to have to make a hard choice. He turned to the third man and asked why he should have the last of the scotch.

Without a word, the man shot the bartender, shot the priest, and shot the alcoholic. He then drank the last of the scotch, cleaned out the cash register, and left on his way to work.

The moral of this story? Never go drinking with Aaron Hernandez.

Reminder: The Rat’s Tale is a recurring parody feature that appears on Gridiron Rats. No one was actually harmed in the writing of this article. Yeah, the Rat knows he is going to burn in Hell for this one.

Sep 142012

The National Football League has come up with a creative way to resolve the dispute between 49ers Coach Jim Harbaugh and Lions Coach Jim Schwartz when the two teams square off this Sunday night.

You might recall that after the Lions and the Niners faced each other last season, there was a rather hostile handshake between the two. Harbaugh offered an overly enthusiastic handshake to Schwartz, who appeared to offer a verbal retort in return. When that didn’t get Schwartz the reaction he wanted, he opted to chase Harbaugh across the field and continue shouting at him. Players ended up getting involved, and the resulting scrum was worthy of a college football game between heated rivals.

The NFL was apparently concerned that the situation might repeat itself this weekend, and decided to intervene. The league’s decision? A cage match at midfield following the game. According to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, this move is not completely unprecedented. “Look, in some Central American cultures, the losing team of a game was put to death,” Goodell said. “Because of our focus on safety, we didn’t feel it would be appropriate to make the coaches fight to the death, but we did want this feud to end. So whoever kicks the other’s ass will be the winner, and then we can all get on with our lives again.”

While Schwarz would not comment on the upcoming match, Harbaugh was more than willing to talk. “I will kick his ass into next week,” Harbaugh said in an interview on NFL Live. “And then when he is laying there, half passed out, I will grab his hand and shake it vigorously. I just hope they keep Suh from trying to stomp on me during the match.”

The NFL Network will air the cage match, although there was initially some dispute as to by which network would be granted broadcasting rights. While Sunday night football is televised on NBC, the network did not hold rights to any separate post-game activity. ESPN then stepped in seeking to make the match part of its follow up coverage on Sports Center, offering Chris Berman and Trent Dilfer as the cage-side announcers, but the NFL declined. According to Goodell, “I watched the game between the Chargers and Raiders, and I was horrified. Berman sounded like he was on vacation and Dilfer is sour on everybody; he’s like the anti-John Gruden. And if I heard one more joke about the players being on a baseball diamond I was going to scream. There was no way in hell I was letting the cage match be broadcast there.”

Steve Bornstein, President of the NFL Network and former Chairman of ESPN, offered a more realistic assessment for placing the match on the NFL Network. “Look, we are desperate for programming. NFL AM is a great show, but we’re almost having to run it twelve hours a day to mask the fact that we don’t have anything else to air. For God’s sake, we’re a network that is about to air a program on the things that we love about Tim Tebow. How much pride do you think we have?”

The cage match is scheduled for three rounds, with each round lasting three minutes. Randy Moss will be serving as Harbaugh’s cut man, while Ndamukong Suh will do the same for Schwartz. According the Goodell, the NFL is closely watching how this event unfolds to see if it has implications for resolving other league disputes. While he would not confirm that the league would utilize the format for resolving the lockout of NFL officials, Goodell made it clear that he was open to the idea. “I don’t know about anyone else, but I think there are a lot of people who suspect that Ed Hochuli’s arms are just a little over-hyped. He may be a demon at the gym, but that doesn’t always translate to the NFL field, nor to a cage.”

Reminder: The Rat’s Tale is a recurring parody feature that appears on Gridiron Rats. No coaches were harmed in the writing of this article.

Aug 222012

Reminder: Back in June, I posted Rat’s Tale #1: The Wayward Wide Receiver Edition, poking some light-hearted fun at Chad (then) Ochocinco,  Terrell Owens, Braylon Edwards, and Plaxico Burress, as well as the New York Jets franchise (easy enough to do). I indicated at the time that this would become a recurring feature. Last night an idea struck me for a follow-up piece to that parody, and so I am posting it below. However, because this piece also mixes in politics, I feel the need to go back and restate, as clearly as possible, that this piece is a parody, and has no intended commentary on politics or on the candidates mentioned in this piece. It is all in good fun, and if you are inclined to take it any more seriously than that, it is on you as the reader. Further, I am required by law to state that no political candidates were harmed in the writing of this article.

Now, on to the article:

Rat’s Tale #2: Chad no longer hanging

One might have thought that former Miami Dolphins’ wide receiver might have hit rock bottom after being arrested for domestic abuse after head butting his wife. Not so.

One might have thought that Johnson hit rock bottom after that arrest resulted in the termination of his contact with the Dolphins. No so.

One might have thought that Johnson hit rock bottom after his television show was cancelled. Not so.

One might have thought that Johnson hit rock bottom after his wife filed for divorce. Nope; not that.

One might have even assumed that Johnson hit rock bottom after he was terminated as a spokesman for a sports drink. Nope, not even that.

Instead, Johnson finally hit rock bottom yesterday with the Romney for President campaign announced that Johnson would no longer be the spokesman for the “Athlete Millionaires for Romney” drive to raise funds for the Republican presidential candidate. According to Romney advisor Stuart Stevens, “We loved Chad when he served as a representative of the 1% of top American earners. We felt that his confidence and swagger were a great complement to the Romney/Ryan team, and his virility attracted female voters. But head butting isn’t sexy, and now that he is unemployed and closer to becoming a drain on the American taxpayer, we see no way that we can keep him aboard. It’s a tough break for Chad, but we wish him well… as long as he stays off of welfare.”

Immediately after the campaign’s announcement, rumors began to circulate that Johnson might be a candidate to spearhead the “Disenfranchised 99″ campaign for Team Obama, but this was quickly put to rest by Jim Messina of Obama for America. “While we really enjoy Chad and think he as the potential to be a great spokesman for our cause, we are not going to be bringing Mr. Johnson aboard,” Messina said. “We are committed to holding that door open for Plaxico Burress, since he not only represents a fallen member of the 1%, but also brings the added value of making a strong case for better gun control laws.”

Neither Johnson nor Burress could not be reached for comment.

Jun 072012

READERS PLEASE TAKE NOTE – The Rat’s Tale column will be a recurring piece on our site that is a FICTIONAL football story. This is parody, not reality.

Jets sign receiver quartet

The New York Jets today announced the signings of wide receivers Chad Ochocinco, Terrell Owens, Braylon Edwards, and Plaxico Burress to one year contracts. Each will make $2 million for the 2012 season.

According to Head Coach Rex Ryan, the Jets have little to lose in these signings. “We figure we have two quarterbacks that aren’t worth crap, so we might as well provide them with receivers that aren’t worth crap either. I know we have been asked about bringing in such head cases, but we figure our team chemistry probably couldn’t get worse, and if it does we know that Plax is probably packing heat.”

In an unrelated move, the Jets have inquired with the Jacksonville Jaguars about trading for wide receiver Justin Blackmon and are considering a futures contract for former quarterback Ryan Leaf, pending his future release from prison. When asked about the signings, Jets’ owner Woody Johnson said, “I didn’t want to talk about Darrelle Revis’ contract anymore, so this seemed to be the easiest way to go.” Tim Tebow responded to our request for comment by simply telling us that he “is excited.”