Aug 222012

Reminder: Back in June, I posted Rat’s Tale #1: The Wayward Wide Receiver Edition, poking some light-hearted fun at Chad (then) Ochocinco,  Terrell Owens, Braylon Edwards, and Plaxico Burress, as well as the New York Jets franchise (easy enough to do). I indicated at the time that this would become a recurring feature. Last night an idea struck me for a follow-up piece to that parody, and so I am posting it below. However, because this piece also mixes in politics, I feel the need to go back and restate, as clearly as possible, that this piece is a parody, and has no intended commentary on politics or on the candidates mentioned in this piece. It is all in good fun, and if you are inclined to take it any more seriously than that, it is on you as the reader. Further, I am required by law to state that no political candidates were harmed in the writing of this article.

Now, on to the article:

Rat’s Tale #2: Chad no longer hanging

One might have thought that former Miami Dolphins’ wide receiver might have hit rock bottom after being arrested for domestic abuse after head butting his wife. Not so.

One might have thought that Johnson hit rock bottom after that arrest resulted in the termination of his contact with the Dolphins. No so.

One might have thought that Johnson hit rock bottom after his television show was cancelled. Not so.

One might have thought that Johnson hit rock bottom after his wife filed for divorce. Nope; not that.

One might have even assumed that Johnson hit rock bottom after he was terminated as a spokesman for a sports drink. Nope, not even that.

Instead, Johnson finally hit rock bottom yesterday with the Romney for President campaign announced that Johnson would no longer be the spokesman for the “Athlete Millionaires for Romney” drive to raise funds for the Republican presidential candidate. According to Romney advisor Stuart Stevens, “We loved Chad when he served as a representative of the 1% of top American earners. We felt that his confidence and swagger were a great complement to the Romney/Ryan team, and his virility attracted female voters. But head butting isn’t sexy, and now that he is unemployed and closer to becoming a drain on the American taxpayer, we see no way that we can keep him aboard. It’s a tough break for Chad, but we wish him well… as long as he stays off of welfare.”

Immediately after the campaign’s announcement, rumors began to circulate that Johnson might be a candidate to spearhead the “Disenfranchised 99″ campaign for Team Obama, but this was quickly put to rest by Jim Messina of Obama for America. “While we really enjoy Chad and think he as the potential to be a great spokesman for our cause, we are not going to be bringing Mr. Johnson aboard,” Messina said. “We are committed to holding that door open for Plaxico Burress, since he not only represents a fallen member of the 1%, but also brings the added value of making a strong case for better gun control laws.”

Neither Johnson nor Burress could not be reached for comment.

Ghost Rat

Football fan and longtime follower of the New England Patriots. Happily married father, professional, and author.

  3 Responses to “Rat’s Tale #2: Chad no longer hanging”

  1. Staying off of welfare might be difficult for Chad, although being married for such a short time might save him in the alimony department.

  2. I’m concerned about Chad’s need for healthcare coverage now that he is unemployed….

  3. In related news, Mitt Romney issued the following statement: “Chad and I respect each other and remain good friends. We are taking some time apart to figure things out. We hope that the media and the public will respect our privacy during this difficult time.”

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