Aug 122012

So, the second-worst uniforms in the National Football League got a renovation for 2012. Let’s see how they fared, shall we?


Look, I don’t hate the neon green — in fact, it’s a good choice for a team whose color palette has been little more imaginative than the Civil War. (Blues. Grays. And more Grays, with a dash of faded grass-stain green.) But the patches on the sleeves are nothing but a way of drawing the eye to the Nike “swoosh” (who says NFL uniforms don’t have ad space?) while outlining silver numbers in bright green only muddles the edges. But at least the numbers themselves have a seriously cool sheet-metal pattern, right?

Again, I say: ick.

Lots of folks have blamed the Broncos for the “new wave” of NFL jerseys — and they are to blame for the prevalence of the under-arm-halfway-down-the-leg stripe. However, in reality, the uniform situation in the League has grown steadily worse since 1996, when the Patriots introduced the “Elvis” version of Pat the Patriot. Considering how many teams have gleefully followed down the Yellow Brick Road to the USFL, it seems obvious the Powers That Be need some assistance.

So, in the interests of helping teams figure out when to say when, here are three rules of thumb:

1) Is your helmet the same color as your main jersey? If so, then you probably need to change it. (Teams whose unis have been this way since before 1960 are exempt — e.g., Bears, Steelers.)

2) Is your jersey the same color as your pants? Again, knock it off. (No exceptions here. It’s a bad look, full stop.)

3) Finally, you are allowed one (and ONLY one) “enhancement” to your jersey. Feel the need for shoulder stripes? Okay, Patriots, you can have them. Want your under-arm patches? Fine, Broncos, you can keep them. Need an accent color across the shoulders? Not a huge fan of that, Titans, but okay.

However, you can’t have two or more of them: this means you, Cardinals! And you, Bills!

A couple other things:

a) Just say “no” to piping. (Again, this means you, Cards.)

b) Don’t even get me started on sans serif fonts.

Danny Boy

Hi. I'm Dan. I like football, baseball, and cheese. Also beer. I live in Colorado, where we have good beer and great football. Baseball and cheese? Not so much.

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